The Odd One Out

Just the other day I was I was having a chat over the phone with my mother about how I actually don’t miss the office and how I would rather carry on working from home, in the peace of my little home office, with my bunch of furries (this wolf here absolutely loves cats) and away from distractions and office gossip. Having always been far more social than I, my mother immediately objected: “Oh c’mon, you’re still too young to stay home all the time. You should go out and be with people. What will you do then when you are my age?” I just shrugged my shoulders and replied that not everybody feels like her and that I have always been a home person, who prefers the solitude of her little corner, than being overwhelmed in crowds of people. She went on and on trying to prove me wrong, but eventually my mind disconnected from her words. I know better than trying to argue with my mother.

Before I go on, let me please make it clear that this blog entry is definitely not an anti-extrovert or anti-people-who-follow-the-norm blog entry. I love extroverts and have good extroverted friends. They are fun to be with and I like their self-confidence among crowds. But I am NOT one, so please don't expect me to act like I am. I may have an extrovert moment every now and then, when I am among people who I feel completely at ease with, but in general I am an introvert. I am often quiet when people are discussing matters. I’d rather listen first, ponder, reflect and then speak. Most of my favourite hobbies are things I can do at home. On a Friday night, I’d also rather stay home reading a book than going out dance or have a drink. And even if I go out, after 2 or 3 hours I definitely NEED to go back to my quiet world. The same way, like all introverts, I don't like when people act like introversion is a disease that has to be cured. "You have to go out more often, you have to be with people, you have to speak more." This attempt to try to change something that is an intricate part of how we are just makes us feel miserable and awkward. Trust me, it's not something we can help just like you cannot ask a dog to meow or a cat to bark.

In general, I also find people exhausting and for me, a group of more than 3 or 4 people (especially if I don’t know them) is definitely too much. Not that I have anything against them, it’s just that it doesn’t fit my personality. I believe extroverts would feel exactly the same if they were asked to be quiet and to be home most of the time, away from people. I know some who nearly went mad during the strictest phase of the confinement implemented all over the world due to the Covid-19 pandemic.

But the world doesn’t seem to like introverts or even to understand them. I can get it. People who make you laugh are far more appealing than the quiet one at the corner who just stares at people around him/her. That’s boring, right? I remember when I was at high school, hearing a class colleague say: "Well, if she is shy she can't be cool." Yet, I very often also hear people say the following about these individuals: “S/He is such a nice, lovely person when you really get to know them. They are just quiet at the beginning.” So yes, it looks like we can also be "cool", we just take our time to show our "coolness".

Yesterday I started reading an absolutely amazing book, The Wisdom of Wolves, by German author Elli H. Radinger. Right on the first chapter she describes how wolves have been classified into two different characters or personality types:

• Type A – the type of wolves who take risks, are assertive and extroverted.
• Type B – the reserved, pondered and introverted type of wolves.

I couldn’t help but giggle. I had the confirmation of what I’ve believed for a long time: in a world where everything has to happen right here and right now, extroverts are the superstars because they don’t waste time. Introverts just think too much. And surely, I can understand that life is too short to waste time analyzing pros and cons. However, the author also goes on to say that type Bs usually adapt better than type As. A type A tends to act on impulse and wants to have it their way. When things don’t go as expected they just feel lost and frustrated. Bs, on the other hand, because they listen and reflect first, are more prone to accepting other scenarios, hence adjusting to them.

There is, though, a very important thing here that distinguishes wolves from humans: unlike humans, who spend lots of time criticizing and judging those who are different from the norm (in this case, extroversion), wolves unconditionally accept that BOTH types are equally important for the health, harmony and cohesion of the pack. There is no finger-pointing and they certainly don’t try to change each other. In fact, the alpha couple – responsible for breeding, protecting the pack, and making decisions – is composed by a type A and a type B.* Therefore, they complement each other, like Yin and Yang. This provides the pack with balance. Just like the old adage goes: “There is a time for everything.” Sometimes we have to act on impulse to avoid wasting a good opportunity: “Hey, the winter is harsh and we are hungry, there’s a nice big bison over there, let’s go hunt it down because we don’t know when we’ll next find food.” But sometimes we also need to ponder: “Hey, that bison is just too big and our pack too small and inexperienced to tear it down. Let’s try to find easier prey before we get wounded or killed and reduce even more our chances of successfully hunt.” You also got it: survival among type Bs is higher. Why risk the lives of the other elements of the pack when the prey is clearly stronger and the hunting success percentage is so low? asks a type B. Because we're hungry and can die anyway? answers a type A. Decisions, decisions, decisions... Indeed finding a balance isn't always easy.

Back to humans. Can we please look at wolves and learn not to judge but rather to accept that each of us, with our differences, has something unique to add to life and to the world? Can we please accept each other’s individuality rather than criticize the odd one outs, the ones who apparently don’t fit the norm? I am not one who usually worries much about what other people think of me and I definitely don’t feel I have anything to prove to them, but I more often than not see people trying to fit in shoes too small or too big for them just because they want to be accepted and loved. Not surprisingly we create a sick society of people who don’t act like themselves, who just copy what they see, who make decisions based on what other people expect of them and not on what they REALLY want. Introversion is a good example, but there are so many others. If you don’t go to university by the age of 20 like everybody else, you are probably dumb. If by the age of 30 you are not married like everybody else, you have to be weird, too difficult or too selective. If by the age of 40 you don’t have children like everybody else, something is clearly wrong with you, perhaps you are sterile. I could go on. 

I very often think I should not have been born human and somehow I believe there are out there many more people who feel the same way. The laws and rules human societies have created and imposed on us do not leave space to accept individuality and difference. We are always supposed to act and live according to a certain pattern. Have we perhaps forgotten the wolf within? This is maybe the main reason, I believe, why I don’t particularly feel the need to be with people very often. I don’t like judgment. Just let people be themselves. I strongly recommend Radinger’s book. We could all learn a thing or two from wolves and let them teach us how to be more patient, understanding and accepting of our differences. 
 

*RADINGER, ELLI H., The Wisdom of Wolves - How wolves can teach us to be more human, Penguin Books, pp. 13-14, 2019. Translated into English by Shaun Whiteside.