Why are we afraid to love?

 

Tricky question this one. Love is one of the most basic human needs. Just like food feeds our bodies, love feeds our souls. It makes us feel alive. It puts a big smile on our faces. I dare say it’s perhaps the one thing that makes life worth living. Yet, why are we so afraid to love? Why do we hide our feelings? Even worse, why do we walk around and live our lives like love doesn’t matter or is even embarrassing to feel? Why do we put our bad-ass masks on and act like we don’t need it, that it would even be ridiculous to allow it in our lives?

Many people say that love hurts. But is it really love that hurts? I don’t think so. What hurts is rejection and not being reciprocated. What hurts is showing vulnerability only to be abused afterwards by the person we confessed our love to. Whenever we tell someone that we love them, we are giving that person the power to hurt us. And that hurts big time because, unfortunately, many people make use of that power even if they don’t have reasons to. It is sad that rather than respecting or even feeling honoured by someone’s feelings, some people choose to take them for granted and carry on abusing them. Pretty much like “It’s ok, even if he/she is annoyed now, they won’t leave me because they love me” or “I can do and say what I want, because in the end he/she loves me so he/she will forgive me.” If the person you love acts like this, run for your life. They don’t love you, they love the attention you give them. They might actually go after you again when you walk away, saying they are sorry and that it will never happen again. But it will, trust me.

Most of us have been in abusive relationships with the people I have described above. I think we all have been through that one relationship that, once it ended, made us think that we would just lock our hearts and throw away the key. Never again would we allow ourselves to be so vulnerable to someone that may abuse our feelings. It is sad to feel this way because we may waste amazing opportunities to be with someone who truly just wants to love us and each of our broken pieces. We close ourselves in our world. The walls we build around ourselves are so thick and tall that it’s almost impossible for someone who loves us to climb them or perforate them. We push people away. Sometimes we don’t really want to but that’s how it goes because we don’t know what love without abuse is.

It’s exhausting to love someone who was abused in the past and refuses to trust again. It’s draining to try to show them a path of love and care and see them choose pain and loneliness. When loving them is not enough, then what’s left to do? I don’t have the answer. Just warning you that this is not a “how to love someone who has been abused” blog, in case you ended up here looking for a miraculous fix. In fact, I very often bounce between the good, understanding and patient girl, and the not so tolerant girl who thinks that enough is enough. It’s so difficult to draw the line sometimes. How much must we tolerate and endure before we decide that it’s time to let go? And if we go, did we really love this person or were we only acting noble because we knew they were not ok, because we understand where their pain and fear come from? I have tried to walk away several times. But something would take me back. Something that would make me forget everything about the previous hurt and go back. It didn’t matter anymore; all that mattered was being there for that person.

If you have ever been abused and/or are afraid to love again due to the past pain, let me give you some advice from someone who loves and keeps being pushed away: if a person keeps going back to you even though you do and say things to keep them at bay, allow them in your life. Think about it: they see and understand your ugly and dark side, yet they are still there. How often do we come across people who do this these days? In a world of instant gratification where people want everything right here and right now, please value the person who stands patiently by your side. They would not be there waiting for you only to abuse you in the end. If that was their intention, they wouldn’t wait for so long.

It feels unfair to have to pay the price for what other people did to the person we love. It actually makes us feel we are not worth overcoming fears, or worse, that being with us is not better than a life of pain or whatever those people choose for themselves after having been abused, sometimes even by very close family members. It is so sad that the actions of a few seem to make everybody afraid to love when love is the most beautiful feeling in the world. We all long for it, no matter how much we deny it. Idealistic as I may sound, I dare say that even those people who hop from bed to bed are, deep inside, looking for “the one”.