Sympathy for the Devil

I love sarcasm. This one was a very short story I admit I had fun writing. I shared it on Daily Prompt and I thought I should share it here. What if we are so many dying, the lists of who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell end up in a mess driving both the angels and the demons completely bananas? What if you go to Hell by mistake? What if Satan isn't so bad after all and you end up having a nice chat with him? Keep reading.

Sympathy for the Devil

When I died, Death told me I would go to Heaven. After three weeks of waiting in a queue, I couldn’t have been more perplexed when I was greeted by these small scarlet creatures with pig noses and horns. They looked overwhelmed and busy though; very different from the devilish creatures I had been told about at Sunday school.

“Name please, sir.” one of them asked me, holding a parchment in his hoofy hands. It was an endless one.

“Arthur Smith.” I replied.

He checked the list and screened all the names.

“Another one sent here by mistake.” he sighed. “And in the meantime all evildoers are enjoying Heaven.”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t understand what that meant.

“Come with me. We will host you for now until this mess is sorted. Come meet our Manager.”

Manager? Could it be possible I was about to meet Lucifer, Satan?

“What is going on?” I asked, slightly annoyed. “Why am I not in Heaven? You should send me there now, not host me here. I’m not supposed to be punished.”

“It’s just temporarily, sir. Please accept our apologies.”

Not having much of a choice, I followed this creature. His Manager, as he called him, was easy recognisable. Indeed he looked like a big red goat but I didn’t find him that scary. He was on the phone, eyebrows frown, visibly annoyed.

“These humans are just impossible. Always finding new ways to mass kill. Then Hell literally breaks loose... Let’s chat later. Please let me know if anything changes your side.”

He hung up and stared at me. Of all the expressions I could have expected to find in Lucifer’s face, the last one would be despair.

“I apologise, sir.”

Lucifer apologising to me, a common mortal?

“You humans will never cease to puzzle us. Even God can’t take this anymore and I here am running out of space. You guys just give us too much work will all your silly wars. Then we also had to deal with Global Warming. Miss Natural World down there is so angry at all of you that she decided to flood you, burn you and smash you with earthquakes. Neither my devils nor God’s angels are now capable of dealing with so many of you dying. Two of my demons had a breakdown last week.”

I held my breath for so long while listening to his venting that I’d have died again if I wasn’t already dead.

“So it wasn’t always this busy?” I asked.

“Of course not! You humans used to die at a natural pace. We could handle it. There have always been wars but not like this. Oh, and I forgot to mention terrorist attacks. Quite honestly, God almost had a heart attack - well, if He could have heart attacks - the first time he heard you saying down there that you were doing this in His name. And you guys dare say I’m the evil one.”

I was speechless. There was a reason why he was called the Devil, yet this Lucifer didn’t seem to be a bad guy.

“As if all that wasn’t enough, now you decided to spread this Covid 19 virus. Seriously, what is wrong with you? Do you have any idea of how you guys queue our gates? Our name lists are upside down, good people end here. Evildoers are having the time of their lives. I can’t take this anymore. I need to retire.”

He sighed again and shook his head. For a few moments none of us spoke.

“Come, I need a break, so I’ll show you your room myself. This isn’t exactly the Hilton but because you’re here by mistake, I’ll instruct my staff to leave you alone. Not that they have much time to punish anyone these days anyway, but there’s a reason why this is called Hell.”

“Excuse me, sir.” I finally managed to say. The question was burning in my throat. “How come you are such a nice guy? I’ve only been here for a few minutes, yet you don’t sound like how we portray you down there.”

He giggled but didn’t seem surprised.

“Oh you humans portray lots of things wrong down there. I swear to you that of all of God’s creation you are the worst of it. Yeah, some of you aren’t that bad but most...” he said as he started walking. I followed.

“God and I have a deal. You guys behave, you go straight to Heaven. You misbehave, you must come here learn a few lessons and pay for your sins. After this purification, then you are ready to go to Heaven too. So my job is actually to purify you, nasty buggers. Done it so often now I can do it while I sleep.”

I was fascinated with every single word. Then we arrived at what I believe was my bedroom.

“As I said, this isn’t the Hilton. But this one isn’t a bad room so you should be fine here. Nobody will bug you.”

I peeked inside when he opened the door. Plain room but I thought it would be cozy enough.

“We will let you know when these bloody lists are sorted and we get things in order again. Then you’ll go to Heaven where you should be.”

I stared at Lucifer. Something told me I’d miss him when I was gone. He stretched his hoofy hand at me asking for a handshake.

“There’s no Covid 19 here, by the way. You can shake my hand.”

I laughed. Hell didn’t seem like a bad place to be when you’ve been a good guy.